I have maybe mentioned that during and after my divorce, I gave up any form of social life to ensure that my children had the easiest transition possible and were provided with a stable, reliable environment. Their minds and their hearts were of greatest importance to me.
Mission accomplished. Secure, safe children exist in my home.
Now, this summer I arranged to have them stay with their father for about 6 weeks after the end of school. It will be an education for all of us. I am looking forward to some time to concentrate on school and maybe some small shadow of a social life.
They have been gone for 2 days now and I think that is enough. I would like to go get them and bring them back. Their chaos is greatly missed. They are my motivation for all activities of daily living. Don’t get me wrong, we all needed this opportunity: he needed an extended time with them, they needed him for the same, I needed my sanity and an opportunity to find myself.
I have accomplished many things in the past 4 years. Most of them have made me feel completely naked and uncomfortable. Now this transition is no different. I have taken care of everyone’s needs and now I am left with the feeling of “What do I do now?” I’m somewhat in a panic because I’m not comfortable going out alone and since my move from 3 hours away one year ago, friends are not abundant.
Did I mention that I am not a patient person?
I will let you know how it turns out. Stay tuned and feel free to offer advice on this one.
Today and for the last several days, I have been thinking about how people hurt each other. Sometimes, for me, it seems like I have to re-live certain hurts over and over again. And I can be angry and plot revenge and cry and scream all I want and it never stops. How do you get it to stop?
One way, I suppose, is to just ignore it and rise above it. Yeah, that works for a while. And then it makes its way back. Another way is to let the person know; and then they just throw it right back at you. Some hurts seem to be made of super glue.
I doubt anyone could have hurt me the way my best friend did. When they told me she wanted my life, I didn’t believe them. I cared about her and believed in her the way I do everyone, even now. I didn’t realize that she really did want my life; literally. My marriage had it’s problems and so did my divorce, but with her at the root of it all, things were worse than they should have been. Even now, our communication is stifled by her presence. I have tried, but I just can’t shake the hurt that she caused.
Do I want a friend like that back? No, certainly not. I just want her to someday acknowledge that SHE hurt ME and not the other way around. It is insulting that she takes no responsibility for the demise of our friendship; I guess I was the only one involved in that. I have tried throwing stones at her, tried explaining it to her, tried turning the other cheek, but she continues to be the “princess in the tower” and she can’t be reached.
I am not sure why people make the choices they do and how they become so selfish as to take what belongs to someone else, no matter how damaged it is. Jealousy may be a more negative emotion than hatred.
I don’t know of anyone who endures the torture of divorce and hopes that someday they can have ALL of THAT again. No one wants to choose the same type of relationship and I have never met anyone who wishes to go through a second bout of divorce proceedings. Most become very adamant about what they DON’T want.
But what DO you want? I found myself entertained by the idea of meeting my forever soulmate: the one who would be the perfect relationship for me and we would live happily ever after. That might have been the fairytale…Reality was still meeting someone who fit all of my DO’s and avoided the DON’Ts. I’m still looking, by the way.
I have thought a lot about who my soulmate would be. Someone once said to me that a soulmate was a person who comes into your life and holds up a mirror so that you can see your true self….and that is their only purpose. And then they leave your life. You could not possibly have a long term relationship with a soulmate as the fire burns too hot; the connection is too intense. A friend of mine also read a book with a similar description. With this information, I know I have already met my soulmate, or at least one of them. The end of that relationship still breaks my heart, but remains the one thing that I could not have transformed my life without. I met him at a crucial time and he absolutely helped me see my worth for the first time in my life. He also helped me to form the standards by which I choose my friendships and rank the important items in my life. After the divorce I “lost” what I thought were many important people in my life. What really happened is that I changed the way I looked at them and the way I behaved and I was left with the few true friends that I could not have made it this far without. I thank God for them every day.
My soulmate and I parted ways just as passionately as we found each other. There is not a day when I don’t think of him and wonder how he is. Maybe someday we will meet again. Maybe someday, I won’t need to meet him as I will have found what I’m looking for and live “Happily Ever After.”
The anger I speak of is the anger that ex-spouses often feel for each other toward the end of their marriage. I have heard that it is supposed to go away with time and, if there are children in the middle the parents can make good choices for them and be at least civil.
Unfortunately, I am reminded often that this may not always be the case. I am a huge fan of civility and making great choices for the sake of the kids. They have a great mom and a great dad and they both love their children and the children love them: it’s still a family, but in separate homes. This is my dream and what I would hope for anyone who chooses divorce. What do you do when the dream does not become reality?
I can tell you I am stubborn and don’t give up easily. So far, my divorce is not much different than my marriage. He and I don’t see eye to eye and he is great at pushing my buttons. I am told to just laugh or to ignore it, but the truth is: he can still hurt me. I want to just get along for our kids. They need parents who are able to speak without constant disagreements. I have held out the olive branch several times to have it cracked and tossed at me. The explanation I give to my kids is that we both just love them so much…
I will continue to hold out for peace and someday I hope it is a reality. If I were the child, I would want at least one of my parents to keep trying. Give Peace A Chance, right? 
