Divorce Afterlife

In an interview published in the March, 2008 edition of Redbook, Uma Thurman struck a nerve with me in a surprisingly good way.  She was commenting on her life after her divorce from Ethan Hawke.  She described her feelings during her divorce as “agony” and was upset when a friend advised her that it would take twice as long as the relationship lasted to feel normal again.  She found out later that this was the truth; it took her four years to “feel better” after the end of her eight year relationship.  I’m trying not to do my own math…..but I would agree that it has taken me three years to feel somewhat in control again and to start enjoying most of the things that used to make me “me”.  She was equally as accurate in stating that after divorce, you are another person entirely and it takes some time learning how to be that new person.  She noted, “…if you take responsibility, you can effect change.  If you don’t, you’re a helpless victim. “  True again, Uma.  She describes divorce as feeling like a “refugee from my own life.”  Hmmm… interesting choice of words…wish I had thought of them myself. Regarding single parenting, Uma struck gold again by admitting that she felt that being a single working mom was “deeply challenging” and “quite lonely.”  She just described the last three years of my life completely in a 3 page article.

While I was married, I was “alone” a lot.  There was an emotional distance that obviously destroyed any form of friendship we once shared.  However, being emotionally alone and physical ALONE are two totally different concepts.  There is an emptiness that I have yet to describe completely.  More than anything a warm body, someone to turn to with a joy or a lament, someone to “take over” for 5 minutes, even a shadow of that person, is greatly missed when it is all said and done.  This is where the anger and the hurt come from.  That person you counted on to be there for you has suddenly disappeared, whether it was your idea or not, and it is very hard to move past that loss.  For good reason; you once loved them.

I see people every day who divorce and then quickly move on to the next thing….are they happy?  They look like it in public.  And then there’s me….I have tried to move on quickly and it has not worked.  I have not found that comfort or that level of trust with another person.   Maybe this is because I have yet to become familiar with the new person I am.  Maybe this is because I don’t want “something”; I want the “right” thing.

Thanks, Uma for putting words to my feelings.  Great job!

About two months ago, a representative from a religious organization knocked on my door on a Saturday afternoon. He wanted me to read some material he had on abuse and he asked if I thought that it would ever stop. I advised that I did not feel it would stop and as I looked at the photo on the front of the flyer, thoughts came rushing to my mind. I asked him why people only seem to discuss physical abuse; as if it were the worst kind of abuse and the only one in need of erradication.

I assured him that I had been the victim of abuse and spent 20 minutes telling him my story. My scars are not easily seen and my wounds are not easily healed. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse are suffered by more victims than can be counted; more victims than want to admit the abuse. Abusers go without punishment or remorse. Victims are left with the unwanted messages of inadequacy in their heads. The website www.suite101.com very briefly and directly describes verabal and emotional abuse as being “about control and the fear of losing it. Ill-treatment is an absurd effort to maintain and enhance the abuser’s hegemony - social, cultural, legal, and, above all, psychological. Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the “silent treatment”), manipulate, and control. There are a million ways to abuse, directly and by proxy. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are “stealth abusers”. You have to actually live with one in order to witness the mistreatment.”

To the outside world, by ex-husband was a funny, quirky, harmless guy. He was a leader in the community and a family man. I knew better. He would degrade my appearance, my intelligence, my parenting, my housekeeping, my cooking, my family, and my friends. If something went wrong, he could easily place blame on me. He relied on me to take care of his business, his children, his home, and himself and present to the public as though it was without effort. Then, the final blow would be to take credit himself for my efforts, or to belittle them. I had a friend tell me once that “every time that guy gets what he wants; he wants something else.” THAT was a true statement. It was also the statement that helped me to see my marriage and the person I was married to in a different light.

I will refer to this abuse in many of my posts. The road to overcoming these effects is long and complicated. The insight and strength I have gained are things I must remind myself of on a regular basis. I will never again take “emotional abuse” lightly or belittle someone who claims to be a victim of it.

     Isn’t that how all great stories start? “In the beginning….” and then eventually something great happens and everyone lives happily ever after. But in the beginning of the story, things aren’t so great. There is a darkness that has overcome the land… well, you get it.

When I decided to divorce my husband, I knew that it was the right decision. I have never once saw that person or thought about our relationship and wanted to go back to it. The decision was clear and the best one for all parties. The feelings between then and now were the darkness that had to be overcome.

I did not want to go back, but the finality and the feelings of inadequacy and failure and loss and guilt were sometimes more than I could bear. I sought counseling and the ears of anyone who would listen. I went over and over and over the events leading up to my decision and “why” was my favorite question. (There are many answers to that question and none of them are the least bit satisfying.) I questioned what I could have done to stop the divorce from happening. I blamed him, I blamed me, I blamed other guilty parties….still there was no relief. I really did not want to admit that I was depressed. And I knew that I didn’t want to start taking medication for the condition because I was afraid of it and I’m stubborn….I wanted to overcome these feelings on my own. It works for others and I think for them, that is a great thing. For me, I had to choose the hard way as is my nature.

I continued with my counselor and she supported me in my non-medicated struggle. Sometimes I would leave her and wonder what we accomplished. I would sit on her couch and just cry and beg for a simple solution. We went over the facts several times. And she would always say the same thing at the end….go home and hug your children and take care of yourself and see you in three weeks.

The children….these individuals suffered I am sure, in the beginning. I was so sad that it was hard for me to interact with them. I was sad when they were gone and then when they were with me, I just didn’t know what to do with them. So….what I decided is that they could help me. We went for drives, out to eat, to the movies,to friend’s houses, bowling, shopping, whatever it took to get me out of the house and out of my head for a while. It started to work. My relationship with them was closer and my relationship with myself was also closer. I had some joy in my life again.

What I felt in the beginning, I can now say, was fear. Fear of being alone and of failing at life on my own and damaging my children’s lives…fear. I obtained security in numbers: my children. They still remind me of what is important and keep me working toward my goals. They are happy and as well-adjusted as can be expected and I am so proud of them. I am also proud of myself….for not allowing fear and insecurity to continue to run my life.