Divorce Afterlife

There have been days where I spend a lot of time searching.  Usually I am searching for a piece of wisdom that will either echo my feelings for the day (so I know I’m not alone in them) or something I can use to see the brighter side of the day (and remind myself that the feelings I’m having are only temporary).  One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:

“Let the water settle; you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your being.”-Rumi

Some days it takes a long time for the “storm” to die down and the waters to return to calm, but…in the long run, peace always prevails.  If I just let the time pass and remain positive, the result is always a lesson learned and growth that has taken place.

Sometimes the moon and stars I see are the reality that my children represent.  It always comes down to the fact that they are the center of my world and if I make the right choices for them, then 98% of the time, those are also the right choices for me.

I am at peace with raising strong, confident, secure children.  It creates good karma.

I always enjoy having talks with my daughter during long car rides.  It keeps me from getting bored and her from fighting with her brothers.  I have always been honest with her regarding our divorce and answer any question she asks to the best of my ability and try always to remind her that both of her parents love her very much.

We were having one of those talks yesterday when she asked, “Mom, why do mom’s always get the kids in a divorce?”  It took me a while to come up with my answer.  The question was a difficult one.  Many answers came to mind.  I started by telling her that it doesn’t always happen that way.  I know many great dads who have physical placement of their children.  Moms don’t always get the kids, really.

In my case, there was never a question in my mind.  My kids would be with me…or else.  I’m a gorilla mom that way.  I think many moms are-they would never leave their children with anyone else, even with dad.  My thought is: Do we become so protective over our children that we even keep them from their fathers?  In some cases, we have to say this is a possiblity.

My parents were divorced when I was 5.  I saw my dad every other weekend and for 2 weeks in the summer.  My parents did not speak at the exchanges and I never heard them speak on the phone.  I remember coming back to my mom’ house feeling SO guilty that I had a fun weekend at his house and SO sad for my dad because we wouldn’t see each other for 2 more weeks.  I was torn.  My mom didn’t help because she usually did not have an incredibly warm welcome for me.  The transition was awful.

When I divorced my kids’ father, I tried living nearby and giving him (and them) equal time.  In the beginning I thought this was best.  I also tried to salvage some kind of polite relationship with him for their sake.  Neither attempt was successful.  The constantly changing scenery and unpleasant nature of our relationship was not good for our kids.  They were emotional and confused with such a busy routine.  Their school work and relationships suffered and neither one of us was able to heal our damaged emotions.  The situation called for a change.  I moved my kids three hours away from the only home they had known and moved myself from any form of familiarity.  The goal was to find peace and give our kids a more reliable routine.

The goal was and is never to keep their father from their lives.  He may choose to stay away, but the invitation is always there.  I can live without him; they can’t.  I know this because my father and I parted ways for 20 years, and I’m sure my mother had something to do with that, intentional or not.  I had a great step-father, but, in the long run, he was still not my dad.  I missed his influence growing up and felt a loss that I couldn’t explain for a very long time.

SO…when my kids leave to stay with their dad and when they come home, everyone gets an “I love you, have fun” and a hug and an “I missed you” and a hug.  The exchanges don’t always go positively, but 90 percent of them are successful: our kids can feel comfortable loving both of their parents.  If you are a mom like me,  and DON’T enjoy their father, remember this: he loves them and they love him and if they aren’t in danger, then….be a fan of that.  Don’t keep him away just because it makes it easier for you.  If you are a dad….as scary as that gorilla mom may be, please don’t stay away.  Your kids need you and there is no replacement for you.   It doesn’t matter so much who “gets” the kids: it matters who the kids “get” and hopefully they “get” two great parents.

     Isn’t that how all great stories start? “In the beginning….” and then eventually something great happens and everyone lives happily ever after. But in the beginning of the story, things aren’t so great. There is a darkness that has overcome the land… well, you get it.

When I decided to divorce my husband, I knew that it was the right decision. I have never once saw that person or thought about our relationship and wanted to go back to it. The decision was clear and the best one for all parties. The feelings between then and now were the darkness that had to be overcome.

I did not want to go back, but the finality and the feelings of inadequacy and failure and loss and guilt were sometimes more than I could bear. I sought counseling and the ears of anyone who would listen. I went over and over and over the events leading up to my decision and “why” was my favorite question. (There are many answers to that question and none of them are the least bit satisfying.) I questioned what I could have done to stop the divorce from happening. I blamed him, I blamed me, I blamed other guilty parties….still there was no relief. I really did not want to admit that I was depressed. And I knew that I didn’t want to start taking medication for the condition because I was afraid of it and I’m stubborn….I wanted to overcome these feelings on my own. It works for others and I think for them, that is a great thing. For me, I had to choose the hard way as is my nature.

I continued with my counselor and she supported me in my non-medicated struggle. Sometimes I would leave her and wonder what we accomplished. I would sit on her couch and just cry and beg for a simple solution. We went over the facts several times. And she would always say the same thing at the end….go home and hug your children and take care of yourself and see you in three weeks.

The children….these individuals suffered I am sure, in the beginning. I was so sad that it was hard for me to interact with them. I was sad when they were gone and then when they were with me, I just didn’t know what to do with them. So….what I decided is that they could help me. We went for drives, out to eat, to the movies,to friend’s houses, bowling, shopping, whatever it took to get me out of the house and out of my head for a while. It started to work. My relationship with them was closer and my relationship with myself was also closer. I had some joy in my life again.

What I felt in the beginning, I can now say, was fear. Fear of being alone and of failing at life on my own and damaging my children’s lives…fear. I obtained security in numbers: my children. They still remind me of what is important and keep me working toward my goals. They are happy and as well-adjusted as can be expected and I am so proud of them. I am also proud of myself….for not allowing fear and insecurity to continue to run my life.