Dear Uma

admin | Emotional Afterlife | Wednesday, 14 May 2008

In an interview published in the March, 2008 edition of Redbook, Uma Thurman struck a nerve with me in a surprisingly good way.  She was commenting on her life after her divorce from Ethan Hawke.  She described her feelings during her divorce as “agony” and was upset when a friend advised her that it would take twice as long as the relationship lasted to feel normal again.  She found out later that this was the truth; it took her four years to “feel better” after the end of her eight year relationship.  I’m trying not to do my own math…..but I would agree that it has taken me three years to feel somewhat in control again and to start enjoying most of the things that used to make me “me”.  She was equally as accurate in stating that after divorce, you are another person entirely and it takes some time learning how to be that new person.  She noted, “…if you take responsibility, you can effect change.  If you don’t, you’re a helpless victim. “  True again, Uma.  She describes divorce as feeling like a “refugee from my own life.”  Hmmm… interesting choice of words…wish I had thought of them myself. Regarding single parenting, Uma struck gold again by admitting that she felt that being a single working mom was “deeply challenging” and “quite lonely.”  She just described the last three years of my life completely in a 3 page article.

While I was married, I was “alone” a lot.  There was an emotional distance that obviously destroyed any form of friendship we once shared.  However, being emotionally alone and physical ALONE are two totally different concepts.  There is an emptiness that I have yet to describe completely.  More than anything a warm body, someone to turn to with a joy or a lament, someone to “take over” for 5 minutes, even a shadow of that person, is greatly missed when it is all said and done.  This is where the anger and the hurt come from.  That person you counted on to be there for you has suddenly disappeared, whether it was your idea or not, and it is very hard to move past that loss.  For good reason; you once loved them.

I see people every day who divorce and then quickly move on to the next thing….are they happy?  They look like it in public.  And then there’s me….I have tried to move on quickly and it has not worked.  I have not found that comfort or that level of trust with another person.   Maybe this is because I have yet to become familiar with the new person I am.  Maybe this is because I don’t want “something”; I want the “right” thing.

Thanks, Uma for putting words to my feelings.  Great job!

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