There have been days where I spend a lot of time searching. Usually I am searching for a piece of wisdom that will either echo my feelings for the day (so I know I’m not alone in them) or something I can use to see the brighter side of the day (and remind myself that the feelings I’m having are only temporary). One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:
“Let the water settle; you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your being.”-Rumi
Some days it takes a long time for the “storm” to die down and the waters to return to calm, but…in the long run, peace always prevails. If I just let the time pass and remain positive, the result is always a lesson learned and growth that has taken place.
Sometimes the moon and stars I see are the reality that my children represent. It always comes down to the fact that they are the center of my world and if I make the right choices for them, then 98% of the time, those are also the right choices for me.
I am at peace with raising strong, confident, secure children. It creates good karma. 
A friend said, “There can’t be a testimony without a test.” She heard that in a church group she attended. I have often asked difficult questions like, ” Why am I being tested?” and “Why am I paying for others’ mistakes?” and “When does it get better?” I think I might have told you before, don’t ask “why?” because there is not a satisfying answer to that question and the only answer to “when?” is….time. And that’s not so satisfying, either.
Everyone searches for THE answer to it all. As I was searching through a drawer last week, I found a note that my ex-husband had written to me: “I Love You! Hang on to dear life!” It was written on the back of a card I had written a Bible verse on. I had never seen that note before. And the message was well received….he did love me at one time, and he can still be an inspiration for me. Seeing that note reminded me that I will always care about him in some way and my relationship with him was not wasted time.
As for my test and the testimony it creates….well, I wouldn’t recommend this road to my worst enemy. However, I have learned how to love myself and I apply that same love to my children, now. My priorities are different and there is light at the end of what was a very dark tunnel. When I stumble upon THE answer, you will be the first to know.
In an interview published in the March, 2008 edition of Redbook, Uma Thurman struck a nerve with me in a surprisingly good way. She was commenting on her life after her divorce from Ethan Hawke. She described her feelings during her divorce as “agony” and was upset when a friend advised her that it would take twice as long as the relationship lasted to feel normal again. She found out later that this was the truth; it took her four years to “feel better” after the end of her eight year relationship. I’m trying not to do my own math…..but I would agree that it has taken me three years to feel somewhat in control again and to start enjoying most of the things that used to make me “me”. She was equally as accurate in stating that after divorce, you are another person entirely and it takes some time learning how to be that new person. She noted, “…if you take responsibility, you can effect change. If you don’t, you’re a helpless victim. “ True again, Uma. She describes divorce as feeling like a “refugee from my own life.” Hmmm… interesting choice of words…wish I had thought of them myself. Regarding single parenting, Uma struck gold again by admitting that she felt that being a single working mom was “deeply challenging” and “quite lonely.” She just described the last three years of my life completely in a 3 page article.
While I was married, I was “alone” a lot. There was an emotional distance that obviously destroyed any form of friendship we once shared. However, being emotionally alone and physical ALONE are two totally different concepts. There is an emptiness that I have yet to describe completely. More than anything a warm body, someone to turn to with a joy or a lament, someone to “take over” for 5 minutes, even a shadow of that person, is greatly missed when it is all said and done. This is where the anger and the hurt come from. That person you counted on to be there for you has suddenly disappeared, whether it was your idea or not, and it is very hard to move past that loss. For good reason; you once loved them.
I see people every day who divorce and then quickly move on to the next thing….are they happy? They look like it in public. And then there’s me….I have tried to move on quickly and it has not worked. I have not found that comfort or that level of trust with another person. Maybe this is because I have yet to become familiar with the new person I am. Maybe this is because I don’t want “something”; I want the “right” thing.
Thanks, Uma for putting words to my feelings. Great job!
