Riding in Cars With Girls

admin | Kids Afterlife | Monday, 14 April 2008

I always enjoy having talks with my daughter during long car rides.  It keeps me from getting bored and her from fighting with her brothers.  I have always been honest with her regarding our divorce and answer any question she asks to the best of my ability and try always to remind her that both of her parents love her very much.

We were having one of those talks yesterday when she asked, “Mom, why do mom’s always get the kids in a divorce?”  It took me a while to come up with my answer.  The question was a difficult one.  Many answers came to mind.  I started by telling her that it doesn’t always happen that way.  I know many great dads who have physical placement of their children.  Moms don’t always get the kids, really.

In my case, there was never a question in my mind.  My kids would be with me…or else.  I’m a gorilla mom that way.  I think many moms are-they would never leave their children with anyone else, even with dad.  My thought is: Do we become so protective over our children that we even keep them from their fathers?  In some cases, we have to say this is a possiblity.

My parents were divorced when I was 5.  I saw my dad every other weekend and for 2 weeks in the summer.  My parents did not speak at the exchanges and I never heard them speak on the phone.  I remember coming back to my mom’ house feeling SO guilty that I had a fun weekend at his house and SO sad for my dad because we wouldn’t see each other for 2 more weeks.  I was torn.  My mom didn’t help because she usually did not have an incredibly warm welcome for me.  The transition was awful.

When I divorced my kids’ father, I tried living nearby and giving him (and them) equal time.  In the beginning I thought this was best.  I also tried to salvage some kind of polite relationship with him for their sake.  Neither attempt was successful.  The constantly changing scenery and unpleasant nature of our relationship was not good for our kids.  They were emotional and confused with such a busy routine.  Their school work and relationships suffered and neither one of us was able to heal our damaged emotions.  The situation called for a change.  I moved my kids three hours away from the only home they had known and moved myself from any form of familiarity.  The goal was to find peace and give our kids a more reliable routine.

The goal was and is never to keep their father from their lives.  He may choose to stay away, but the invitation is always there.  I can live without him; they can’t.  I know this because my father and I parted ways for 20 years, and I’m sure my mother had something to do with that, intentional or not.  I had a great step-father, but, in the long run, he was still not my dad.  I missed his influence growing up and felt a loss that I couldn’t explain for a very long time.

SO…when my kids leave to stay with their dad and when they come home, everyone gets an “I love you, have fun” and a hug and an “I missed you” and a hug.  The exchanges don’t always go positively, but 90 percent of them are successful: our kids can feel comfortable loving both of their parents.  If you are a mom like me,  and DON’T enjoy their father, remember this: he loves them and they love him and if they aren’t in danger, then….be a fan of that.  Don’t keep him away just because it makes it easier for you.  If you are a dad….as scary as that gorilla mom may be, please don’t stay away.  Your kids need you and there is no replacement for you.   It doesn’t matter so much who “gets” the kids: it matters who the kids “get” and hopefully they “get” two great parents.

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