In The Beginning…..
Isn’t that how all great stories start? “In the beginning….” and then eventually something great happens and everyone lives happily ever after. But in the beginning of the story, things aren’t so great. There is a darkness that has overcome the land… well, you get it.
When I decided to divorce my husband, I knew that it was the right decision. I have never once saw that person or thought about our relationship and wanted to go back to it. The decision was clear and the best one for all parties. The feelings between then and now were the darkness that had to be overcome.
I did not want to go back, but the finality and the feelings of inadequacy and failure and loss and guilt were sometimes more than I could bear. I sought counseling and the ears of anyone who would listen. I went over and over and over the events leading up to my decision and “why” was my favorite question. (There are many answers to that question and none of them are the least bit satisfying.) I questioned what I could have done to stop the divorce from happening. I blamed him, I blamed me, I blamed other guilty parties….still there was no relief. I really did not want to admit that I was depressed. And I knew that I didn’t want to start taking medication for the condition because I was afraid of it and I’m stubborn….I wanted to overcome these feelings on my own. It works for others and I think for them, that is a great thing. For me, I had to choose the hard way as is my nature.
I continued with my counselor and she supported me in my non-medicated struggle. Sometimes I would leave her and wonder what we accomplished. I would sit on her couch and just cry and beg for a simple solution. We went over the facts several times. And she would always say the same thing at the end….go home and hug your children and take care of yourself and see you in three weeks.
The children….these individuals suffered I am sure, in the beginning. I was so sad that it was hard for me to interact with them. I was sad when they were gone and then when they were with me, I just didn’t know what to do with them. So….what I decided is that they could help me. We went for drives, out to eat, to the movies,to friend’s houses, bowling, shopping, whatever it took to get me out of the house and out of my head for a while. It started to work. My relationship with them was closer and my relationship with myself was also closer. I had some joy in my life again.
What I felt in the beginning, I can now say, was fear. Fear of being alone and of failing at life on my own and damaging my children’s lives…fear. I obtained security in numbers: my children. They still remind me of what is important and keep me working toward my goals. They are happy and as well-adjusted as can be expected and I am so proud of them. I am also proud of myself….for not allowing fear and insecurity to continue to run my life.