About two months ago, a representative from a religious organization knocked on my door on a Saturday afternoon. He wanted me to read some material he had on abuse and he asked if I thought that it would ever stop. I advised that I did not feel it would stop and as I looked at the photo on the front of the flyer, thoughts came rushing to my mind. I asked him why people only seem to discuss physical abuse; as if it were the worst kind of abuse and the only one in need of erradication.
I assured him that I had been the victim of abuse and spent 20 minutes telling him my story. My scars are not easily seen and my wounds are not easily healed. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse are suffered by more victims than can be counted; more victims than want to admit the abuse. Abusers go without punishment or remorse. Victims are left with the unwanted messages of inadequacy in their heads. The website www.suite101.com very briefly and directly describes verabal and emotional abuse as being “about control and the fear of losing it. Ill-treatment is an absurd effort to maintain and enhance the abuser’s hegemony - social, cultural, legal, and, above all, psychological. Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the “silent treatment”), manipulate, and control. There are a million ways to abuse, directly and by proxy. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are “stealth abusers”. You have to actually live with one in order to witness the mistreatment.”
To the outside world, by ex-husband was a funny, quirky, harmless guy. He was a leader in the community and a family man. I knew better. He would degrade my appearance, my intelligence, my parenting, my housekeeping, my cooking, my family, and my friends. If something went wrong, he could easily place blame on me. He relied on me to take care of his business, his children, his home, and himself and present to the public as though it was without effort. Then, the final blow would be to take credit himself for my efforts, or to belittle them. I had a friend tell me once that “every time that guy gets what he wants; he wants something else.” THAT was a true statement. It was also the statement that helped me to see my marriage and the person I was married to in a different light.
I will refer to this abuse in many of my posts. The road to overcoming these effects is long and complicated. The insight and strength I have gained are things I must remind myself of on a regular basis. I will never again take “emotional abuse” lightly or belittle someone who claims to be a victim of it.
