Divorce Afterlife

It’s been a long summer full of learning experiences.  Some of them great and some of them not so great.  The process of learning who you are and what you want is not always incredibly enjoyable, but it is necessary, I believe, for a happy life.  I can honestly say that I am getting there.  I am constantly amazed by what is put in front of me and the reason it has been put there.

I am raising confident, happy children.  And that, at this time, is good enough for me.  It took me all summer to find out I wasn’t missing out on anything.  Everything I need is right here.  The rest is just going to be icing on the cake.

I have maybe mentioned that during and after my divorce, I gave up any form of social life to ensure that my children had the easiest transition possible and were provided with a stable, reliable environment.  Their minds and their hearts were of greatest importance to me.

Mission accomplished.  Secure, safe children exist in my home.

Now, this summer I arranged to have them stay with their father for about 6 weeks after the end of school.  It will be an education for all of us.  I am looking forward to some time to concentrate on school and maybe some small shadow of a social life.

They have been gone for 2 days now and I think that is enough.  I would like to go get them and bring them back.  Their chaos is greatly missed.  They are my motivation for all activities of daily living.  Don’t get me wrong, we all needed this opportunity: he needed an extended time with them, they needed him for the same, I needed my sanity and an opportunity to find myself.

I have accomplished many things in the past 4 years.  Most of them have made me feel completely naked and uncomfortable.  Now this transition is no different.  I have taken care of everyone’s needs and now I am left with the feeling of “What do I do now?”  I’m somewhat in a panic because I’m not comfortable going out alone and since my move from 3 hours away one year ago, friends are not abundant.

Did I mention that I am not a patient person?

I will let you know how it turns out.  Stay tuned and feel free to offer advice on this one.

There have been days where I spend a lot of time searching.  Usually I am searching for a piece of wisdom that will either echo my feelings for the day (so I know I’m not alone in them) or something I can use to see the brighter side of the day (and remind myself that the feelings I’m having are only temporary).  One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:

“Let the water settle; you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your being.”-Rumi

Some days it takes a long time for the “storm” to die down and the waters to return to calm, but…in the long run, peace always prevails.  If I just let the time pass and remain positive, the result is always a lesson learned and growth that has taken place.

Sometimes the moon and stars I see are the reality that my children represent.  It always comes down to the fact that they are the center of my world and if I make the right choices for them, then 98% of the time, those are also the right choices for me.

I am at peace with raising strong, confident, secure children.  It creates good karma.

A friend said, “There can’t be a testimony without a test.”  She heard that in a church group she attended.  I have often asked difficult questions like, ” Why am I being tested?” and “Why am I paying for others’ mistakes?” and “When does it get better?”  I think I might have told you before, don’t ask “why?” because there is not a satisfying answer to that question and the only answer to “when?” is….time.  And that’s not so satisfying, either.

Everyone searches for THE answer to it all.  As I was searching through a drawer last week, I found a note that my ex-husband had written to me:  “I Love You!  Hang on to dear life!”  It was written on the back of a card I had written a Bible verse on.  I had never seen that note before.  And the message was well received….he did love me at one time, and he can still be an inspiration for me.  Seeing that note reminded me that I will always care about him in some way and my relationship with him was not wasted time.

As for my test and the testimony it creates….well, I wouldn’t recommend this road to my worst enemy.  However, I have learned how to love myself and I apply that same love to my children, now.  My priorities are different and there is light at the end of what was a very dark tunnel.  When I stumble upon THE answer, you will be the first to know.

In an interview published in the March, 2008 edition of Redbook, Uma Thurman struck a nerve with me in a surprisingly good way.  She was commenting on her life after her divorce from Ethan Hawke.  She described her feelings during her divorce as “agony” and was upset when a friend advised her that it would take twice as long as the relationship lasted to feel normal again.  She found out later that this was the truth; it took her four years to “feel better” after the end of her eight year relationship.  I’m trying not to do my own math…..but I would agree that it has taken me three years to feel somewhat in control again and to start enjoying most of the things that used to make me “me”.  She was equally as accurate in stating that after divorce, you are another person entirely and it takes some time learning how to be that new person.  She noted, “…if you take responsibility, you can effect change.  If you don’t, you’re a helpless victim. “  True again, Uma.  She describes divorce as feeling like a “refugee from my own life.”  Hmmm… interesting choice of words…wish I had thought of them myself. Regarding single parenting, Uma struck gold again by admitting that she felt that being a single working mom was “deeply challenging” and “quite lonely.”  She just described the last three years of my life completely in a 3 page article.

While I was married, I was “alone” a lot.  There was an emotional distance that obviously destroyed any form of friendship we once shared.  However, being emotionally alone and physical ALONE are two totally different concepts.  There is an emptiness that I have yet to describe completely.  More than anything a warm body, someone to turn to with a joy or a lament, someone to “take over” for 5 minutes, even a shadow of that person, is greatly missed when it is all said and done.  This is where the anger and the hurt come from.  That person you counted on to be there for you has suddenly disappeared, whether it was your idea or not, and it is very hard to move past that loss.  For good reason; you once loved them.

I see people every day who divorce and then quickly move on to the next thing….are they happy?  They look like it in public.  And then there’s me….I have tried to move on quickly and it has not worked.  I have not found that comfort or that level of trust with another person.   Maybe this is because I have yet to become familiar with the new person I am.  Maybe this is because I don’t want “something”; I want the “right” thing.

Thanks, Uma for putting words to my feelings.  Great job!

Today and for the last several days, I have been thinking about how people hurt each other.  Sometimes, for me, it seems like I have to re-live certain hurts over and over again.  And I can be angry and plot revenge and cry and scream all I want and it never stops.  How do you get it to stop?

One way, I suppose, is to just ignore it and rise above it.  Yeah, that works for a while. And then it makes its way back.   Another way is to let the person know; and then they just throw it right back at you.  Some hurts seem to be made of super glue.

I doubt anyone could have hurt me the way my best friend did.  When they told me she wanted my life, I didn’t believe them.  I cared about her and believed in her the way I do everyone, even now.  I didn’t realize that she really did want my life; literally.  My marriage had it’s problems and so did my divorce, but with her at the root of it all, things were worse than they should have been.  Even now, our communication is stifled by her presence.  I have tried, but I just can’t shake the hurt that she caused.

Do I want a friend like that back?  No, certainly not.  I just want her to someday acknowledge that SHE hurt ME and not the other way around.  It is insulting that she takes no responsibility for the demise of our friendship; I guess I was the only one involved in that.  I have tried throwing stones at her, tried explaining it to her, tried turning the other cheek, but she continues to be the “princess in the tower” and she can’t be reached.

I am not sure why people make the choices they do and how they become so selfish as to take what belongs to someone else, no matter how damaged it is.  Jealousy may be a more negative emotion than hatred.

I always enjoy having talks with my daughter during long car rides.  It keeps me from getting bored and her from fighting with her brothers.  I have always been honest with her regarding our divorce and answer any question she asks to the best of my ability and try always to remind her that both of her parents love her very much.

We were having one of those talks yesterday when she asked, “Mom, why do mom’s always get the kids in a divorce?”  It took me a while to come up with my answer.  The question was a difficult one.  Many answers came to mind.  I started by telling her that it doesn’t always happen that way.  I know many great dads who have physical placement of their children.  Moms don’t always get the kids, really.

In my case, there was never a question in my mind.  My kids would be with me…or else.  I’m a gorilla mom that way.  I think many moms are-they would never leave their children with anyone else, even with dad.  My thought is: Do we become so protective over our children that we even keep them from their fathers?  In some cases, we have to say this is a possiblity.

My parents were divorced when I was 5.  I saw my dad every other weekend and for 2 weeks in the summer.  My parents did not speak at the exchanges and I never heard them speak on the phone.  I remember coming back to my mom’ house feeling SO guilty that I had a fun weekend at his house and SO sad for my dad because we wouldn’t see each other for 2 more weeks.  I was torn.  My mom didn’t help because she usually did not have an incredibly warm welcome for me.  The transition was awful.

When I divorced my kids’ father, I tried living nearby and giving him (and them) equal time.  In the beginning I thought this was best.  I also tried to salvage some kind of polite relationship with him for their sake.  Neither attempt was successful.  The constantly changing scenery and unpleasant nature of our relationship was not good for our kids.  They were emotional and confused with such a busy routine.  Their school work and relationships suffered and neither one of us was able to heal our damaged emotions.  The situation called for a change.  I moved my kids three hours away from the only home they had known and moved myself from any form of familiarity.  The goal was to find peace and give our kids a more reliable routine.

The goal was and is never to keep their father from their lives.  He may choose to stay away, but the invitation is always there.  I can live without him; they can’t.  I know this because my father and I parted ways for 20 years, and I’m sure my mother had something to do with that, intentional or not.  I had a great step-father, but, in the long run, he was still not my dad.  I missed his influence growing up and felt a loss that I couldn’t explain for a very long time.

SO…when my kids leave to stay with their dad and when they come home, everyone gets an “I love you, have fun” and a hug and an “I missed you” and a hug.  The exchanges don’t always go positively, but 90 percent of them are successful: our kids can feel comfortable loving both of their parents.  If you are a mom like me,  and DON’T enjoy their father, remember this: he loves them and they love him and if they aren’t in danger, then….be a fan of that.  Don’t keep him away just because it makes it easier for you.  If you are a dad….as scary as that gorilla mom may be, please don’t stay away.  Your kids need you and there is no replacement for you.   It doesn’t matter so much who “gets” the kids: it matters who the kids “get” and hopefully they “get” two great parents.

I don’t know of anyone who endures the torture of divorce and hopes that someday they can have ALL of THAT again.  No one wants to choose the same type of relationship and I have never met anyone who wishes to go through a second bout of divorce proceedings.  Most become very adamant about what they DON’T want.

But what DO you want?  I found myself entertained by the idea of meeting my forever soulmate: the one who would be the perfect relationship for me and we would live happily ever after.  That might have been the fairytale…Reality was still meeting someone who fit all of my DO’s and avoided the DON’Ts.  I’m still looking, by the way.

I have thought a lot about who my soulmate would be.  Someone once said to me that a soulmate was a person who comes into your life and holds up a mirror so that you can see your true self….and that is their only purpose.  And then they leave your life.  You could not possibly have a long term relationship with a soulmate as the fire burns too hot; the connection is too intense.  A friend of mine also read a book with a similar description.  With this information, I know I have already met my soulmate, or at least one of them.  The end of that relationship still breaks my heart, but remains the one thing that I could not have transformed my life without.  I met him at a crucial time and he absolutely helped me see my worth for the first time in my life.  He also helped me to form the standards by which I choose my friendships and rank the important items in my life.  After the divorce I “lost” what I thought were many important people in my life.  What really happened is that I changed the way I looked at them and the way I behaved and I was left with the few true friends that I could not have made it this far without.  I thank God for them every day.

My soulmate and I parted ways just as passionately as we found each other.  There is not a day when I don’t think of him and wonder how he is.  Maybe someday we will meet again.  Maybe someday, I won’t need to meet him as I will have found what I’m looking for and live “Happily Ever After.”

Did anyone ever tell you this about your divorce?  I have heard it.  I have also heard: Just Move On! and Who Cares?  Why Do You Care?

Now, I don’t care why you are divorced or what happened or whose fault it seems to be, these are not fair statements.  Do they really think that you are just choosing to live miserably because it is fun?  Are you just supposed to throw away an entire relationship and all of your plans for the future and not care about it?  If it was that easily disposable, you would have thrown the marriage out with the garbage years ago and helped the garbage collector put it in the truck.

If it has been easy for you, I think that’s great. You are incredibly strong.  If it has not, I’m glad to know you as well.  You take life and its happenings seriously and are not afraid to feel the losses that come with the triumphs.  Strength will be yours with some hard work and assessing where you have been and where you are going.

As for those who give this kind of advice:  Well, at least they mean well.  It hurts to hear those words as they seem to shrink the problem and negate any feelings you have.  Your feelings, no matter what they are, are real and right and important because you have them.  They need no approval.  What is the appropriate response from you to them?  Maybe just nod and thank them for thinking of you, assure them that someday you will be “over it”… and then when they are not around, you are free to let loose at their expense if necessary. 

Don’t let this kind of advice keep you from sharing how you feel with SOMEONE.  It’s important to get it out of your head and hear it for yourself.  Talking about your fears and hurts allows you to sort through them…until you can finally “Get Over It.”

Today I found out my neighbors are moving.  They moved to this town, 2 houses away, shortly after I did.  It has been wonderful knowing them and I can’t imagine this year without them.  They have had our family over for countless dinners, picked up my kids daily after school, never ask for repayment, and often will not take favors in return.  We have been unconditionally accepted by them.  Sometimes, they are so good to us, it is embarrassing.  This will be a loss for us.

I can tell you that no matter what the loss is, it still brings back memories of the loss of my marriage and the hopes and dreams that were associated with that partnership.  The grieving process goes on even if I have peace with the result; even if I knew the decision was the correct one.

I doubt I will ever be a person who takes any loss in my life lightly.  I will understand the meaning, but never accept the coming and going of people in my life simply.  I can’t and wouldn’t change that about myself.

They were just neighbors and they were just here for a few months.  Some people very easily touch your life and leave a permanent mark.  We will be recover, slowly.